Recovery – It’s so complicated. I know that I will struggle with my eating disorder for ever, but it’s not how I thought it would be. When you face recovery while sick, it’s insanely scary. Learning to live without something that’s been a part of your life for so long is tough. It feels like you’re about to lose something you love. That might be hard for someone who has never experienced ED or addiction to understand, your addiction feels like part of you. Something you need. You don’t want to be sick of course but like I said – it’s complicated.
It’s taken me a very long time to get to true recovery. I first saw a doctor about bulimia 18 months after it started. Within months of this I was under weight and suffering the most debilitating anxiety. It got to the point where I didn’t eat for a week and even keeping water down was impossible. From then on, I went through so many phases of eating, not eating, obsessing about things being in my food. There were even a couple of years of not eating solid food. I lived on baby food, clear soup, V8 Juice, meal replacement drinks and ice cream.
In June of 2018, I started seeing a new doctor. She has dramatically changed my life. I started seeing a dietitian and psychologist. I began to understand all the things that needed to change to be well. I hadn’t been well in over 15 years. But I was ready. Something switched in my mind and I was able to really work on true recovery.
In 2019 – the last 9 months – I’ve made myself sick maybe 6 times. And not at all recently. I can’t even begin to tell you how recovery changes for you when you’re on the other side. When you know what it’s like to be okay, you want to always be okay. I’m recovered from an eating disorder after half of my life with this terrible voice telling me I need to be perfect. That I need to be in control…
Now, I am in control. Of making better choices. Of being kinder to myself. Of appreciating my body for all it has endured. I am a warrior. I am strong. I am healthier than I have ever been.